Bad Jokes

The Junk Drawer is for those Off Topical discussions where we can ask questions of the community that we feel might have the ability to help out.

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ctwo
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Location: Silly Cone Valley

Re: Bad Jokes

Post by ctwo »

Why don't you adopt a dog from a machinist?
As soon as you get home he will make a bolt for the door.

I'm a machinist because engineers need hero's too.
Standards are so important that everyone must have their own...
To measure is to know - Lord Kelvin
Disclaimer: I'm just a guy with a few machines...
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Charles T. McCullough
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Re: Bad Jokes

Post by Charles T. McCullough »

Did you know that scientists have finally been able to weigh a rainbow?





Turns out it is pretty light.
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ctwo
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Re: Bad Jokes

Post by ctwo »

Did you hear about the guy that applied for a job running a lathe?
They turned him down.
Standards are so important that everyone must have their own...
To measure is to know - Lord Kelvin
Disclaimer: I'm just a guy with a few machines...
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Bill Shields
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Re: Bad Jokes

Post by Bill Shields »

Studies have demonstrated that some 'intelligence challenged' individuals have the lowest stress rate because they do not fully understand most medical terminology:

Medical Term -------- Mentally Challenged Definition

Artery ----- The study of paintings
Bacteria ----- Back door to cafeteria
Barium ----- What doctors do when patients die
Benign ----- What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section ----- A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan------- Searching for Kitty
Cauterize------ Made eye contact with her
Colic------- A sheep dog
Coma------ A punctuation mark
Dilate------ To live long
Enema------- Not a friend
Fester------- Quicker than someone else
Fibula------- A small lie
Impotent------ Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain------ Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff------ A Doctor's cane
Morbid------- A higher offer
Nitrates------- Rates of Pay for Working at Night, Normally more money than Days
Node------- I knew it
Outpatient------ A person who has fainted
Pelvis-------- Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative------- A letter carrier
Recovery Room------- Place to do upholstery
Rectum -------- Nearly killed him
Secretion ------- Hiding something
Seizure -------- Roman Emperor
Tablet------- A small table
Terminal Illness ------- Getting sick at the airport
Tumor------- One plus one more
Urine -------- Opposite of you're out
Too many things going on to bother listing them.
earlgo
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Re: Bad Jokes

Post by earlgo »

What is the name of a guy who has been wandering around the prairie for a couple of days without much water?








Pierre.
--earlgo
Before you do anything, you must do something else first. - Washington's principle.
rrnut-2
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Re: Bad Jokes

Post by rrnut-2 »

Years ago, I heard a story about a repair tech who died, but did not make it to heaven. While being shown around his eternal place of punishment, he was told that he would spend eternity in a state-of-the-art repair shop with every tool ever made, every part ever made, every piece of test gear available, and every service manual ever printed. He would also enjoy the assistance of beautiful women who would bring him units to fix and take away the repaired units. The tech was puzzled by this, and said, "I thought hell would be way worse than this!" It was then that he was told that every unit he would work on for the rest of eternity would be intermittent.

Jim b
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Steggy
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Re: Bad Jokes

Post by Steggy »

Where is the safest place to keep a Stradivarius violin?




In a banjo case.
———————————————————————————————————————————————————————
Music isn’t at all difficult.  All you gotta do is play the right notes at the right time!  :D
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Greg_Lewis
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Re: Bad Jokes

Post by Greg_Lewis »

I haven't spoken to my wife in two years.
I didn't want to interrupt her.
Greg Lewis, Prop.
Eyeball Engineering — Home of the dull toolbit.
Our motto: "That looks about right."
Celebrating 35 years of turning perfectly good metal into bits of useless scrap.
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Greg_Lewis
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Re: Bad Jokes

Post by Greg_Lewis »

In 1310, King Edward II was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in England. Thus, the three squires became known as the Squire Of The Lion Hide, the Squire Of The Elephant Hide, and the Squire Of The Hippopotamus Hide.

As the years passed, the lion squire and the elephant squire became very jealous of the hippo squire because they wanted the hippo hide too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the hippo squire and divide the hippo hide between them equally.

Now the lion squire had six sons, and the elephant squire had eight sons, but the hippo squire was childless. The lion squire and the elephant squire sent their fourteen sons to kill the hippo squire, but the hippo squire drew his sword and single-handedly slaughtered all fourteen of them.

And thus, it was proven once and for all that the squire of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squires of the other two hides.
Greg Lewis, Prop.
Eyeball Engineering — Home of the dull toolbit.
Our motto: "That looks about right."
Celebrating 35 years of turning perfectly good metal into bits of useless scrap.
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Greg_Lewis
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Re: Bad Jokes

Post by Greg_Lewis »

This goes way back before the advent of web interfaces, to the rec.crafts.metalworking group on usenet:

Everbody needs to find a job that fits them. When I was kid
I looked at a lot of different jobs and here is what I found out about
machinists.

When machinists go hunting, they generally get bigger deer
than most folks. When they go fishing, they generally catch so many
fish that their arms get tired from reeling them in.

Machinists tend to be better looking than the average. This
means they have better social lives than almost anybody else. Some
folks from a university did a study and found that machinists get
lucky about 43 times as often as most folks. At least that's what I
heard.

Machinists almost always have better looking spouses, smarter
kids, greener lawns, redder roses, and generally seem to have fewer
weeds in the garden. Their cars seem to run a little faster and use a
little less gas. Things generally seem to work better for a machinist
than they do for the rest of the world.

Machinists do things that no one else can do. They live and
excel in a world where things too small to see make a big difference.
They possess special skills and unique knowledge.

Machinists do real work in a world full of made-up stuff.
Machinists make real things like cars and tools and a better America.

Machinists tend to be more honest, better friends, and slightly
better adjusted than the world in general. It comes from making a
career in a professional world of exact specifications and real
deadlines. It seems to show in their character.

Machinists just generally seem to be clearly superior human
beings, which is why I am a machinst. That, and all the good jobs were
taken.
Kurt Johnson
Greg Lewis, Prop.
Eyeball Engineering — Home of the dull toolbit.
Our motto: "That looks about right."
Celebrating 35 years of turning perfectly good metal into bits of useless scrap.
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Bill Shields
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Re: Bad Jokes

Post by Bill Shields »

Know the difference between a machinist and a tool maker?

One washers his hands after he uninates..

The other washes his hands before..
Too many things going on to bother listing them.
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Greg_Lewis
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Re: Bad Jokes

Post by Greg_Lewis »

Exercise for people over 60

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5 pound potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10 pound potato bags. Then try 50 pound potato bags and eventually try to get where you can lift a 100 pound potato bag in each hand. And hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I am at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
Greg Lewis, Prop.
Eyeball Engineering — Home of the dull toolbit.
Our motto: "That looks about right."
Celebrating 35 years of turning perfectly good metal into bits of useless scrap.
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